We’ve all been there, playing a tennis match by ourselves. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Either you’ve actually played tennis and you know you can’t really play in a match against yourself, or you‘ve never actually been in a tennis match before, so how can I say we’ve all been there?
But, we have. The tennis match I’m referring to is every conversation we’ve had in life, except the match isn’t about coming out the winner. Instead, the ”win” is connection.
I learned about the art of conversation from an Amish book about parenting. I was going through this phase in parenting that was past the terrible twos, the trying threes, and the freaking fours. It was the oh my gosh, what kind of human did I create phase.
I love being a parent, but there are times, as every parent knows, that you look at your beautiful/handsome love of a child and wonder how or where some of their traits came from. Talking is one of them and the art of conversation is a tricky one when you hit those pre-teen years.
I’m now a couple years past so our talks have gotten better, but I learned the art of conversation from an Amish mother who referenced conversation like a tennis game. She said, (my summary) when we invite our kids into conversation, what we are hoping for is dialogue, and not just any dialogue, but dialogue that flows and leads to connection. For instance, when we ask our kids questions, we should be asking in a way that would pull out more than just a one-word answer. Insert the tennis ball. Conversation is much like playing a match, but not one that focuses on winning. The winning aspect comes in the form of connection, and every connect is a win. Each time we try to communicate, we are bouncing the tennis ball to our child (or whoever we are talking with.) Our words go out and end with them. They catch the ball (what we are saying) and bounce it back (with their response.) If you want the game of connection to continue, you toss it back.
And, this is where we’ve all been. But, there are times when you hit the ball, inviting someone onto the court and the ball is not returned. You send another message, write another card, make another phone call, and still nothing. The ball doesn’t return.
So, how do you play a game when you end up on the court by yourself?
A primary key for success in life is learning how to communicate. (Which is why we try to teach our kids young.) We know, or should know as adults, the importance it holds.
I woke up this morning seeing the tennis court in my mind and for the next hour all I could think was how I don’t want to play on a court where the other person isn’t returning the serve. Trying with no response. It leaves you standing there wondering where the other person went.
Sometimes it’s purposed for rest and a break needs to happen. At times, no response is a simple distraction or the lack of space and time to engage. Many times, the game becomes an exciting rally, making connection fun. The big one though, is the connection that makes one think and takes a little longer to play because it’s impactful and can lead to a deeper and lasting connection. This connection takes time and if handled with patience, love, and grace, (really every fruit of the Spirit, Gal. 5:22-23) can become the real deal and the kind of connection that will last a lifetime.
Any way you play, communication is happening. Return or not.
For me, communication is extremely important. I don’t function well without it. My mind gets scrambled making the landscape of my life difficult to see. I need open, honest, raw, direct, and present communication. As long as I have some direction and engagment, I’m pretty level and easy to play with. I can rally, I can do deep. I can sit down and not play for a while and still enjoy the game. This is just me though. We all communicate in different ways.
So, how do we do engage when there’s no return? The answer I have right now is we can only do what WE have the power to do. We can’t make others engage (or toss the ball back.) Being aware of what’s happening in us and if it’s the right timing, we can still toss it out there and engage others. Why? Because caring and being attentive to other people matters. Their response is not our responsibility. Only our own words and actions.
Next time you’re in conversation with someone, or trying to teach your child how to communicate, grab a tennis ball. You’d be surprised how much you connect with others when communication becomes tangible and intentional.