I'm five years post marital separation. In March, 2024, I'll be four years divorced. While time has passed quickly, I can't help but feel how slow the process has been as well. My daughter was 11 when her dad left us. Even though he is still in her life every other weekend, she desires to be with me full-time. Unfortunately, life hasn't allowed us to get to that point...yet.
She turns 17 in two weeks. Seventeen. My goodness. While many say, only one more year and she'll be off on her own living her own life, I know different. My daugher is different. She's beautiful and wonderful, fun and witty, smart in her own way, and so loving, but she is different. Intellectual disabilities have troubled her since birth. Though not visible at first, once you spend enough time together, her disabilities become more noticable.
I had a hole in my placenta at six months during pregnancy. The doctor placed me on bed rest for a month and three months later, I gave birth. My daugher was different than her peers most of her third year. She was VERY social. That could be in part to her dad passing her around the sanctuary of our church from the time she was born. She loved people. We would get to the church and the minute we entered, her little hands would be shaking with excitement. For the first three years of her life, she was held by just about every person, every Sunday. She knew no strangers.
By three years old, she was getting kicked out of the nursery for hugging kids and then tackling them. That still makes me laugh. She became known as the hugger. I guess it could've been worse, but when it started to become the norm, well, it was tough.
She did well in school through second grade, but by mid-third grade, I started noticing signs that she was struggling. Her short term memory was all but gone which made remembering facts, addition, and subtraction difficult. We immediately sought help with her doctor and were able to get her into the the adaptive curriculum at the public school in our district. We coudn't have been more blessed because the county we lived in just happened to be the best in our area. We fought for our daughter's needs and the county showed how much they cared for their students by making sure she received the accomodations she needed.
Now at sixteen, while she has made tremendous strides, I think she will always need me.
Personal life is hard to pursue. Not only have so many people been removed from our lives due to the divorce, but I am overly cautious as to who I allow into our inner circle, and honestly, I'm super picky who I let into our lives even on the surface level. My intentionality means we don't have many people in our lives.
I want to be married again, but not just to anyone. After coming out of an abusive marriage, I've had to work through the idea of ever being married again. Dating in today's society, has been discouraging and disgusting. People don't respect people anymore. Boundaries don't exist. Porn is normalized, and sex is expected even after a first date. Very few people know how to communicate. There is no such thing as getting to know someone. As in learning about another person to see if you're even compatible. What is someone's personality like? What are their beliefs? Likes and dislikes? Finding someone who is even interested in communication is rare. So dating has been limited.
Then there's the contemplation of finances and future divorce if things don't work out. Heartbreak in relationships and having children involved, some days, it's easier to just say the hell with it and stay single the rest of my life.
But, in my heart, I want the marriage I believe God always intended for me to have. The kind of marriage where when I think of him, my heart smiles so much it can't help but be seen on my face. I know whoever I marry will not be perfect, in fact, they may be a mess, but they'll be perfect for me. Maybe I'm a little too picky with what I'm looking for, but the truth is I'm looking for specifics. They have to be present. Not necessarily in the same town or state, but mentally and emotionally present. Physically present is important however. I want to know that I'm worth the effort. I know I'm worth the effort, but do they? When you love someone, no amount of distance will keep you apart, even if some time passes between being physically in the same place.
They have to care about us, about my daughter, and especially about our relationship. They'll guard their heart from the world, distractions, lust, other women, porn, and affairs. Not saying they won't be tempted. This is everywhere, but because they love me and because they love us, they'll fight like hell to protect our love and relationship by not allowing any of that in. If they have that in themself now, they'll do the work to end it. To be better. They'll sit with a therapist and do the internal work. I'll do the same.
I won't expect perfection, but I will hope and pray for loyalty, love, and a husband who has a heart that desires to be faithful in his mind, heart, words, and his actions. He won't be secretive. He'll be honest and do his best to be pure, ridding anything that even remotely looks like the world he lived in before. (see above)
But marriage. What if my daughter needs me the rest of her life? She desires to go to college. She has dreams of being married and having kids. All of which are feesible, but what if? What if she lives independently, but needs to be close to me? Will the man I marry love her like his own? Will he show up for her, look out for her, and protect her too? I've told her all along that whoevery I marry will not replace her dad, but ne will have an influence on her life.
What if who I date, what if who pursues me intentionally, sees her, acknowledges her, but doesn't truly understand her, or can't be what we pray comes into our lives?
I want my other half. The one who gets me. I'm not looking for someone to be the fixer and definitely not a savior or sugar daddy. No, I want the man God knows is right fro me and me for him; the one who walks by my side. The protector, the lover, the giver, the listener, the learner, the one willing to lay down his pride. The leader.
I'm far beyond where I was five years ago. I'm far beyond where I was five months ago. But, I'm ready to start living my life in full with the man I love in the town I love, doing the things I love. As a family.
In the meantime, I'm stuck...waiting.