Have you ever wanted to tell someone exactly how you feel? I mean, everything inside you. The good, the bad, your doubts and fears. Things that make you laugh and things that confuse you. All of it.
Yet, somehow you manage to tell them how you're feeling in round about ways instead of just talking directly to them.
I used to read a lot when I was young. I spent many days at the library with my mom. The smell of books still gets me excited. There were a few years in high school when I stopped reading. I was the youngest in my class by a year. I had to work really hard to keep up. My friends would go out on Friday nights and I'd be home studying for a test that wasn't until Monday. At some point, I got burned out on reading...until college.
I had a good friend, Amy, in college who loved to read and was an English major. She was the one who lit a spark in me to start reading for pleasure again. One day, she introduced me to the Griffin and Sabine series. I had never read books like these before. The trilogy is a love story written between two people who had never met. The form in which it was written is cased in envelopes where you pull out the letters of correspondence between the two.
It always makes me think of the lucky souls who find old love letters in the walls of a century old home.
It was the first time I felt how putting a heart on paper eased a soul and how love came alive.
Now, I find myself wanting to pen every faucet of feelings and emotions I have inside me, but only for one person to read. Not the world. If I thought I'd receive correspondence in return, I would send my first letter the way Sabine sent hers to Griffin.
I don't write, however, I wish I could say everything. If timing were right, I'd say every word that I've wanted to say. Instead, I dance my way around my feelings. I'll leave my heart here in a space no one else will read and live my life as though I never read what love could be. To continue hoping brings sadness and pause. Thankfully pessimism isn't in my blood, but patience and courage is. And joy. The abundance of joy that awaits the future lives inside of me and that is what I choose to cling to.
"For some years nothing was heard from either Griffin or Sabine..."
A deep inner work happened in both of them. Separately.
"Griffin describes his evolution as an artist and a man as an experience both exquisite and annihilating: "I feel like I am only now coming into full existence. It is as if my real self has been secretly growing within. It's a strange evolution, sometimes a warm unfolding, at other times a painful crunching of bone and twitching of muscle."
Sabine replies, "I believe, Griffin, that you and I were born inside each other, like changelings inverted within a prism. You have always needed someone to love and cherish you, so you imagined me . . . But that frightened you. . . . What you did not understand was that the person you had imagined already existed."
Grifting and Sabine had it right. "Love was created as it grew and changed."